I got into an argument with someone that I care about. I hurt them. It was not intentional. It was a reaction to my own insecurities, my own trauma responses and my own agitation and irritability. Yet, that didn’t matter. They were hurt by my actions and therefore I owed them an apology. And for those of you who may know me, that is not always easy for me. As someone who felt that there were owed apologies more often then they were given, saying I am sorry and acknowledging my own wrong doings is still an area where I have room for improvement.

I am someone who takes pride in the fact that they try and live their life without hurting those around them. In all fairness, I will find myself getting hurt first before I would let those I love to hurt instead. This is a common thing for me honestly, and I find because of that, it can be challenging for me to realize, and even acknowledge, when I have inadvertently hurt someone myself. Similarly, I am also someone who has a hard time admitting that they are wrong, and previously, in my head, apologizing meant I am admitting something that I did wrong. It made me feel vulnerable and insecure that doesn’t make me feel good.

Yet, I also care about my relationships. I care about the people who I love and that when I do hurt them, I want them to know that I am truly sorry about it as well. I don’t want to be another person who doesn’t give someone an apology when they deserve it.

So, I apologized. I tried to explain my actions, acknowledged that I hurt the other individual and took ownership for the ways in which I can try and not hurt them in the same way again. It felt right to say I was sorry for the hurt and that I would try not to do it again. Words matter yes, but the actions matter as well. It was more than just about “saying” that I was sorry.

In my vast reading over the last year, I read Escaping Emotional Abuse by Beverly Engel. A lot of the content in this book resonated with me, but one of the highlights that ran through my mind this week was her conversation regarding apologies. Now, I will fully admit that I am paraphrasing her, but she made a point that any sincere, meaningful and impactful apology must have three parts:

1. Regret – genuine remorse and regret for the action that occurred leading the other person to feel hurt. This can be any form of hurt.
2. Responsibilities – This is the taking ownership part. This is acknowledging that you have hurt an individual and not only are saying the words that apology but in those words you can highlight why it has hurt the other person.
3. Remedy – This part to me is the most important and generally the one that most people are not as good at as we should be. This is the remedy part. This is where you show the individual you hurt that you are going to, or will, change your behaviour. That you will rectify the hurt that you caused and not just give them lip service but own your part and implement the changes to negate hurting them again.

She calls it the three Rs of apology and for me, it was the simplest and most direct way for me to truly understand the power of owning when you hurt someone. It also highlighted for me why some apologies that I have been given, and have given myself, did not rectify the situation. They did not have all three parts and would fall back into old patterns or previously problematic behaviours. It cant be a true apology without those three.

This weekend I hurt someone I loved. It was unintentional, it was rude and it had nothing to do with them. But, as I said my apology, I ensured that not only did I have part one and two but that I will show them the remedy going forward. If you have hurt someone too, maybe you could try doing the same.

“Apologies require taking full responsibility. No half-truths. No partial admissions, no rationalizations, no finger pointing and no justifications belong in any apology.”

– Cathy Burnham Martin