This week was my 35th birthday. I had planned on doing some writing. I had booked a mini staycation with my new beau. I was scheduled to move into my own apartment for the first time since I was 19 years old. I was excited and nervous and was ready for all of the exciting things that were happening as I moved into my mid thirties.
And then I got Covid.
For the first time. And ended up spending over five days in bed. And all my plans changed. I slept and I binged watch Criminal Minds and honestly I did not much else.
And then I had an emotional reaction. I felt overwhelmed and stressed and just started to cry for no reason. I didn’t have the energy to write. I fought with my sister. I tried to micro manage my boyfriend. I ruminated on my move and all the logistically things that needed to be done. And I just felt this overwhelming sense of sadness, instead of the excitement that I was anticipating.
And I didn’t understand why.
Until I took a second to breathe. To think about it. To realize that I do know why.
I do not do well with change. Or at least I would admit, I am not currently doing well with change. Mainly because I feel like I have had too much lately. I had expectations, I had plans and then they all got blown up over and over and over again.
I know that getting Covid and things being delayed is not the end of the world. I know that I have such a strong and solid wealth of people who love me that will help me if I need it. And I know that I will be able to handle whatever life throws my way because I have before and I will continue to do so.
But for the week, I also allowed myself to be sad. To feel overwhelmed. To get a little “shack wacky” after spending a week inside my house. And to feel the emotions that are always bubbling under the surface.
And I needed it.
I needed it to remind myself that being emotional and scared about change is a good thing. Excitement and nervousness is also a good thing.
I needed it to remind me that I am still healing, still determining what I want out of my life, and that is okay. It is okay not to know either.
I needed it to remind me that I cannot control the world and the more out of control I feel, the worse my anxieties get. Shocking, I know. And I needed to remind myself that I cannot control thing.
I needed it to remind me that I am loved. That the people around me are understanding, helpful and will give me the space to feel supported. Feel heard. And just plain old feel.
“All great changes are preceded by chaos.”– Deepak Chopra
Leave a Reply