My best friend gave me a daily calendar last year for Christmas. It was one of those small desk calendars that you pull off each day and the subject for the one she got me was inspirational quotes. I must admit that I am not an individual who uses those types of motivations to get me going but my friend knows me better than I know myself sometimes and she was right. (shh don’t tell her)
Most of the time they were poignant as hell. They called me out for things that I didn’t even really know I was feeling or reminders that I didn’t even know I needed. I couldn’t tell you the amount of times I got to work to think damn, it was on point again. Pictures of the quotes were sent to her, and to other friends, as they reminded me to keep going, to be kinder to myself and that hard times will pass. It was like this calendar knew I was going through a separation. It was like this calendar knew I was feeling insecure and trying to find myself. It was like this calendar knew that I needed space and time to heal but that I also needed to not beat myself up for being human. For having emotions and learning how to process them.
It was exactly what I needed on a daily basis when I didn’t even know I needed it. And as it comes to the end of the year, I will fully admit that I am secretly hoping she gets me a similar one for the new year. However, as this year, a year that is full of changes, comes to an end, and we move into 2023, this infamous calendar called me out yet again. Getting to work, late, frazzled and feeling overall just completely discouraged, I looked at my quote for the day;
I’m not where I hoped I would be by now, but I can be proud of how far I’ve come.
And I took a second.
At this point in my life, I had hoped to still be married. I had hoped that I had a few kids and was settled in my life. I had hoped that I knew who I was and the things I wanted for myself. I hoped I would thinner, more attractive and more confident. I had hoped that I was supported and loved and needed. And I had hoped that I was financially set, debts paid off and able to travel, purchase and do what I wanted, when I wanted it. I had hoped to be happy.
But as we slide into 2023, I am none of those things. I am not where, or who, I thought I would be, but I am still proud. I am proud that I said I was unhappy and left that marriage. I am proud that I had decided that kids may not be in the cards for me, and that I have comes to terms with the fact that it may be okay. I am proud that although I still am not 100% sure who I am, I am working on it. I am proud that I have surrounded myself with good people who love me, who respect me and who SEE ME, when I hadn’t felt seen in a really long time.
And most important of all…
I am proud that I found my own happiness. I am proud that although it has been hard, and still is hard, that I put myself first. Made myself a priority for the first time in my life. And so I move into 2023, I will hold on to that pride instead of expectations. I will process my shit and grieve. I will spend time with people who love me and be present. I will travel. I will fall in love. I will work on being a better person. And I will continue to search for, and eventually find, my true self. A self that can continue to be proud.