The last few weeks in my writing, I have noticed that I have been leaning toward negative ideas or concepts. I think that a lot of that is due to the fact that I have been feeling negative in my regular day to day life and having a hard time letting it go like I usually do. I am usually able to be frustrated or annoyed or upset for a few hours and then can let it go and move on my way. This has not been the case. And honestly, I have started to notice that I am not the only one feeling that way. More and more of my friends and my social media feeds are talking about being fatigued or run down or feeling sad or depressed. People are finding the cold frigid temperatures hard to manage or the ongoing bombardment of COVID shit overwhelming. We are all just so tired right now. And as much as I say I want to focus on the positive, even that is a struggle.
Well. I need to start small. So this weekend I did just that. Started with the small things.
First, I spent some time looking out the window. Gilbert, our pup, is constantly staring out the window and always looks so peaceful and calm as he bathes in the sun shining in. Using my elbows as a pillow, placing my head beside his, Gilbert and I spent some time watching the snow fall. It was a windy and storm day and with the sun peeking through the clouds, the snow was glistening as it swirled around us. Besides Gilbert trying to lick my face for attention, it was just as peaceful as it looked. It gave me a moment to consider how beautiful a snow storm can be when you do not have anywhere you have to be.
Next, I spent some time with Hubby. I have been working a ton and have not been able to get some quality time in. Although we spoke about the challenges we were both feeling right now, it was nice to just have an honest conversation. No tv was on. No expectations were place. As I sat in one chair drinking a hot chocolate, and he sat across from me on the couch with his coffee, we were able to just chat. It has been a long time since we did that and although that makes me feel sad, it also shows me how important it is. Small chats like this make up a marriage and sometimes the chaos of the world ruins that.
I also had my online book club this weekend. Now, besides the joy that comes from reading a good book, and this months was excellent, it was also nice to socialize. I have been so burnt out from work lately that my “people meter” has been completely tapped out. I have no energy for visits but today I forced myself to do it. It was great. It was great to just take an hour out of my week to talk about books. Part of the joy of reading is sharing when you find something good and today did that. It was simple. I was in my pajamas, hair up and a mess and no shits to give and those individuals on that call did not care. They wanted to check in, see how I was and talk about the book we read. Sometimes that is just what we need.
Following the book club, I spent some time listening to music. I love music. And although I almost always have songs on in the background, today I took the time. I took the time to lay in bed, as I tried to nap, and listen to that favorite song of mine. Not as background noise, but as the main point of the moment. And you know what? With that song quietly playing, I laid still. Still and just listening. No stressing, no planning and no worrying about what I should have been doing instead. It took under four minutes to find some space. Easy right? Well, no, it is not, but I am going to need make it more of priority because I can’t say I don’t have five minutes to listen to a good song.
Then I came into work tonight because we were short staffed. Now, I could be annoyed that I had to work overnight but instead I realized it was a small blessing. It is not only giving me the time, and space, to do some writing, but it has also allowed me the opportunity to see the simple things in life. I am working at the out of the cold shelter, and I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have somewhere warm and safe to stay. How simple a warm bed and a hot drink can do for someone. So, yes I will be tired tomorrow, but I will also know that my being at work allowed people to access a safe bed for the night.
Will I wake up later this week and still feel positive? Probably not. Will the overwhelming heaviness that comes from COVID disappear? Probably not. Will I still feel tired and annoyed and frustrated? Absolutely. But, I will also try to savor those small moments when I can. When I need them in order to take a deep breath, stand up and continue about my day. Without them, I may get lost in the chaos.
“If the sight of blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has the power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive.”– Eleanora Duse
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