Today was a crappy day. I woke up feeling overwhelmed and it didn’t really dissipate as the day went on. I am overwhelmed with Covid and the rising cases in my province and the provinces around me. I am overwhelmed that the holiday season is coming to an end and I did not get to see any of my family, or friends for that matter. I am overwhelmed that my period started today which means our fertility attempt this month was unsuccessful. I am overwhelmed that the water in house has turned brown again (for the like hundredth time!) and I don’t have the energy to deal with wells and plumbers and filtration systems again. And I am overwhelmed that I have the damn cold, and now Husband has the cold, and we are supposed to be celebrating New Years tomorrow with friends.
Acknowledging and even admitting that I am feeling overwhelmed and upset is new for me. For a long time I was someone who put on the façade that everything was “fine” even if my house and my life was burning down around me. I had my shit together. I handled my problems. I was strong and able to manage whatever challenges life was sending my way. I was the one that took care of others and didn’t need, or want, anyone to take care of me. But, I also was not okay. Over the last two years, I have done a lot of self-reflection and growth. I have learned a lot about myself and what works for me and doesn’t work for me. I have learned that I can be all those things I listed above, and also not be okay too.
Bad days are going to happen. I have depression, life challenges and am just generally alive. We ALL have bad days. Days where we feel overwhelmed and tired and just not wanting to face the day. And it is okay. I am going to repeat that again for the ones who are/were like me..
It is okay not to be okay.
It is okay that I spent my shower crying as I washed my hair. It is okay that I spent the drive to town and my running around with Husband talking about how stressed and upset I was feeling. It is okay that I am disappointed that my period is here. Hope can lead to disappointment and that is okay. It is okay that I had to take a two hour nap this afternoon just to have the energy to get what I needed to get done. And it is okay that I binged watched four episodes of my favorite comfort show while eating a bunch of stuff that is bad for me. Today I was not okay.
For a lot of people who struggle with low moods like I do, people telling you to “push through” or go and do something make me want to hit them. I know that. I know there are days I need to push through, but there are also days where I need to wallow. I spent too much time and too many years pushing through and not allowing myself to feel overwhelmed or sad or any other normal emotion that occurs by being a human being. And today I felt all of them. Frustration at that slow driver who was in my way. Sadness that Husband and I were spending another month in disappointment. Irritation at the number of covid cases announced on the news and that it was stopping me from seeing the people I loved. Exhaustion that although I am on a holiday break, I am still thinking and stressing about work. Anger that the house I love is constantly needing shit done to keep it up and running.
But, even during this bad day, I felt the good emotions too.
Peace that was the quiet outside as we got in the car early this morning after a freshly fallen snow. Accomplished that I was able to get the food cooked for the mini getaway that we are going away to in the morning. Proud that even though I had a bad day, I am still writing this blog. Appreciation that I was able to catch up with that friend who I have not talked to in ages. Hope that I will get home to see my family sometime and lucky that none of them are sick right now. Anticipation about getting home and cuddling up on the couch with my dog while I watched those shows. Excitement about getting away and being able to celebrate at least some of the holiday season.
And, even though today I did not feel okay, I also had parts where I felt loved. Loved by my family, my friends and Husband, even if they did not even know it. Family who facetimed/called me to see how my day was going. Friends who texted me and asked about my holidays or said they have been enjoying my blog posts. Husband who supported me today through all my range of emotions. Who told me we would try again, that I would feel better tomorrow, and offered whatever I needed for help to get through today. Husband who offered me a hug and just said he loved me.
Today was a bad day. Tomorrow may be too. However, as I look at today, and the bad days of the past, I know I have survived them. I have wallowed, I have cried and I have gotten up the next day. Over time, I have realized that sometimes the simple act of just saying “I am not okay” is enough to start the process towards starting to feel different. So tonight, as I crawl into bed with that same overwhelming feeling, I will just tell myself;